An open letter to Herbal Essences

Standard

Dear shampoo bitches,

how it should be 2

No, I’m sorry. Perhaps that is unfair of me.

You do conditioner too. My bad.

Ok so here’s the deal Herbal Essences…

I liked your shampoos and conditioners. I love my hair, thus I want it to smell like a tropical rainforest/ wild violets/ pearls (whatever the fuck a pearl smells like?? the ocean??). I also like my locks to be ‘tousled softly’.

*Side note: Tousled is apparently pronounced Tow-selled, not tuss-elled. Did this blow anyone else’s mind??*

I do not, however, like your adverts.

As a female, albeit a bisexual one, I do not enjoy Nicole Sherzinger full on porn star moaning over apricot shampoo (or whatever it is).

Unfortunately, watching an attractive woman simulate an orgasm in an airplane bathroom (??????) as she washes her hair doesn’t quite shake my maracas, guys.

It certainly doesn’t make me want to buy your product.

Frankly, I don’t know what marketing genius turned round and convinced you guys that women would be persuaded to buy expensive fruity hair shit by another woman yelling

“OH YES! YES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!”

whilst lathering up under a waterfall?

What Shampoo adverts are like: 

meg ryan2

How it makes me feel:

ew face

feels

How I think it should be:

how it should be

awesome

shampoo

We, the viewing public, have gone through a lot at the hands of advertising. Italian-no-wait-he’s-welsh opera singers and meerkats selling us car insurance, the train wreck that is the animation on the Mr Muscle adverts, and that horrific man pushing double glazed windows over in someone’s living room.

You know the one: “You buy one, you get one free. I said YOU BUY ONE YOU GET ONE FREE!”

The one who appears to be wearing a magicians costume/ salsa armbands?

this guy:

prick

And this is the final straw.

Apparently this moaning woman schtick has become a thing, as Muller yoghurt is doing the same thing – even dropping a few casual ‘balls’ and finger sucking into the script just to make sure the male viewers actually jizz in their pants.

yoghurt

And then, presumably, order their girlfriends/wives/dogs a whole box of Muller fruit corners?

I doubt it.

I love Nicole, I really do. She was the BEST on X Factor, and I admire her strength and humor a lot. She is incredibly beautiful, but these adverts are just so demeaning and irritating!

If my mother comes downstairs one more time thinking I’m watching porn when in fact I am just waiting for ‘8 Out of 10 Cats’ to return from an ad-break longer than a Sherlock Hiatus…

current mood

Yours loyally,

Chloe xo